There comes a time in every new mums life when you finally join a mothers group. If you are lucky you all start at the same time, allowing new bonds to form naturally with an equal amount of anxiety shared amongst the group.
Now, some mums stress about how beautiful every other mums house is, how tidy it was, and what fantastic toys every other child seems to have. But no, these were not the things that filled my mind with dread.
Firstly, being a massive germophobe of all things gross, I had taken mental notes during the previous mothers group meetings of all the snotty noses, dirty fingers and nappy accidents that we all laughed at. It was a massive effort to stop my eyes bulging out of my head while the poo was being cleaned off Jenny’s new cream sofa – internal freak-out! Thank god it’s not my house and my child wasn’t responsible!
So with these nightmare images in my head, I set forth with a plan on how to survive hosting my first mothers group. Firstly, the most important part of the plan - only put out little Harry’s plastic toys so that I can completely disinfect them post play date. A precise operation takes place where all toys that need to stay uncontaminated by all those little fingers covered in snot and vegemite are hidden high up on shelves and out of reach.
Next, I copy an idea from one of the other mothers Emma, who hosted the week before – putting queen sized sheets down on the floor to protect the carpets. Now that’s not weird at all!!! I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of this!
Now, no matter how much you plan, this one had me stumped and may of just taken the cake as far as my germophobe anxiety goes – several mums start asking to borrow our change table to change a poo nappy. Well holy hell, I thought I had thought of everything! Pleasantly smiling I leave Rachel to change her nappy and she has no idea the internal freak-out that is occurring. Wendy however might just get a glimpse as she walks towards me down the hall with Georgia, also needing a nappy change. At least she didn’t decide to change it on my sofa!
The rest of the mothers group goes as expected but not without some mental anguish on my part. There always happens to be at least two little darlings with green snot running down their noses into their mouth. Then there is Jack, who has the most adorable ear length curls whose mother has just announced he has nits. All the mothers look around in equal wide-eyed anxiety, oh my goodness look at the time! How convenient, everyone has to rush off to put the restless toddlers to bed. Quicker than usual departures ensue.
After a quick check of Harry’s hair, washing of his little hands I put him down to bed after a quick nappy change on a sterilized change table. By the time he wakes up two hours later, he has no idea that mummy has spent the entire time wiping down all his plastic toys with disinfectant and cleaning the house.
Thank goodness I only have to worry about doing this a handful of times a year! Happy mothers grouping gals!!! Feel free to send me your own little nightmare stories! firstname.lastname@example.org
*Names changed for privacy.